WHY AM I WEIRD

WHY AM I WEIRD

My mind wasn't really working this morning (it never is), so I decided to hit my knees in prayer. Then it got really uncomfortable like three seconds into the prayer - most likely because I was praying in the shower with scalding hot water hitting a tiny bald spot on the side of my head that I didn't even know was there until yesterday. 

I don't really know what I prayed about, but I remember being kinda nervous and slightly anxious about going to meet someone for coffee. Meeting people doesn't bother me - I just hate being social in the morning. But I made an exception today, because it's a person I really care about.

 

The coffee kicked in around 11am, and I felt normal for 30 seconds, even though I don't know what normal is. Then the racing thoughts began to happen - you know, spinning impossible scenarios in my mind, and using every bit of self control I have to not say exactly what's on my mind, because that would be bad. That lasted for about 7 hours. Of course, I was doing other stuff, and I accomplished a lot today - but all I really remember is being consumed by my (mostly evil) thoughts. 

Don't get me wrong, today was a good day. Sobriety is weird, though. Like...every day is a good day, but they all have a bit of negative thinking, weirdness, depression, and anxiety mixed in there - just to keep it interesting. 

At about 5pm, I realized I hadn't eaten any food, so I kept sitting there for like an hour, thinking about how I should probably get some food. Then I made a frozen pizza...the $1.29 kind that provides both the instant satisfaction AND the instant regret. Then I spent a ridiculous amount of time being anxious about another situation, and I finally concluded that it's out of my control, so I started reading a book. (The book I'm reading is called Accidental Saints, and it's really good/funny/full of lines that will give you the "God chills".)

In between all of that, I made sure to be kind to a bunch of people in my phone. Being nice to others helps me get out of my own head for a few seconds. In truth, I do have a good heart, but I'm also nice because it helps me. How's that for honest? And now I'm here writing this, and wondering if I should backspace all of it, because that's what I do. 

Through it all, it's another day sober. And I know exactly why I didn't drink today, even though I actually thought about it for a second:

I hit my knees and prayed this morning. I've done that every single day for 30 straight months, and I've been sober for 30 straight months. You do the math ;)

Much Love,

Zack