Right here, in this moment, I feel so helpless. It's as if I'm running a marathon, all alone, yet everyone is watching. But it isn't the normal kind of marathon where you have a clear path and a finish line. Nope. It's endless, and the paths are many. There are no signs, no people cheering, and there's certainly no police escort haha.
All I have is the occasional gust of wind to remind me of His presence, the occasional rainfall to cool me off, and the occasional downhill stretch where I can breathe a bit easier. But I keep running. Something inside of me knows to keep going. For if I stop, I might not be able to start again.
Dear friend, I'm obviously speaking metaphorically, but I hope you understand the picture I'm painting. I'm speaking of eternity - the endless race we're all running. It isn't about speed, and we certainly don't qualify based on merit. But for whatever reason, we have been chosen to run this race. We all fall down, we all get lost, and we all have moments where it's just too much. But we keep going. I don't know why. We just do.
This crazy journey I'm on: Growing up feeling "different", becoming rebellious, partying, stealing, womanizing, lying, getting fired from 17 jobs, moving 19 times, drinking in the mornings to steady my hands, doing "key bumps" of coke in the bathroom stall at work, pushing my family away, withdrawing from the world for weeks at a time, contemplating suicide, broken relationship after broken relationship, hangover after hangover, moments of clarity in church, interventions, wasted time, sleepless nights, finding salvation, being crushed with humility and challenge, learning to rely on God, crying big tears with my dog staring at me, learning how to do life one day at a time, resisting temptation, giving in to temptation, self-loathing, fear, immense joy, crippling sadness, small victories, ridiculously incredible milestones, leaving my full-time job, planning a life-changing mission trip, getting rid of all my worldly possessions, sharing my story with the world, and serving others day and night - it's endless. But I know it all leads somewhere.
Today, I will just keep running. I'll be sure to look up and appreciate my surroundings. The simple little movements in the trees, the way Ziva's left eye moves faster than her right, the list of 36 monumental tasks, and the fact that I'm alive today - it all adds up to the greatest marathon ever. Stopping is not an option. This is eternal.