Today, I just want to stay in bed, turn my phone off, curl up in a ball, pull this soft blanket over my head, and disappear from the world. Do you ever have those days?
Life can be way too much. I went through a ton of rough stuff (and I take full responsibility for every part of it), overcame a ton of obstacles to get clean & sober, made a big move to Charlotte, worked incredibly hard in my full-time job, pushed fear to the side and started this non-profit, left my full-time job to follow my heart, and now I work day & night pouring my soul into others – just hoping that maybe someone will appreciate the hard work.
A lot of people say they have faith. But what is faith to you? If you really trust God, then why are you worried? If you really trust God, then why aren’t you facing your fears? Please understand I’m asking myself those same questions.
When you run a non-profit, your life depends on the generosity of others. I never know where money will come from, I don’t have insurance, and I certainly don’t have a savings account anymore. There are days where I don’t eat anything, because nobody donates a single dime. There are days where I go to the Cheesecake Factory and stuff my face, because sometimes people come out of nowhere and blow my mind. There are days where I feel completely lost & discouraged. There are days where everything is so clear that you couldn’t pay me to stop working. There are days where I feel I’ve made no difference. There are days where I see mountains moving & lives changing. There are days I want to quit, and there are days where my fire burns bright.
I pray about these things on my knees multiple times a day. Keep in mind, I’m also in recovery. So I get to add, “Lord, please take my addiction” to the list of daily tear-jerking prayers. Real faith is incredibly scary. It’s why most people never enter that next level. Real faith requires you to lay down your life, your selfish desires, and it opens the door to ridicule and haters. Real faith isn’t normal. It’s something special reserved for the strong in spirit. Real faith is something that can only be understood by people who have been kicked, knocked down, beat up, and spit on. Sounds great, right? Well…it is.
Real faith is great, because I know heaven is waiting for me. Eternity is real, and there my treasure waits for me. My purpose on this earth is to love unconditionally. It’s to use the unique (and sometimes straight up weird) gifts that God has given me to serve others. It’s to keep giving until there’s nothing left to give. Most days, I reach a point of emptiness that only God can fill. I pour myself into others, and God pours into me. That’s just the way it goes, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Real faith has taught me more about my Father than I could have ever known before. I’ve experienced His relentless love, His pursuit of my heart, His pain and disappointment when I screw up, His healing touch, and His unpredictable goodness.
We all go through these ups and downs of life – it’s part of being human. And today, I choose to enjoy it. I choose to appreciate every bit of confusion, frustration, fear, anxiety, addiction, depression, loneliness, and hate that life throws my way. I choose to wear a smile, and I will laugh in the face of my fears. Because I’ve made it this far, and life is so much better when you live it :)
If you read this far, God bless you. If you'd like to make a difference in someone's life, here's the link to donate to CLTIVATE. Please don't be a regular person today. We have enough of those in the world. Start living a different life. Start living in faith.