The things that make me laugh disturb most people. I like YouTube videos of people falling down the stairs, my favorite stories always involve some degree of crime, and I rather enjoy pranking people. Put simply, I have a dark sense of humor.
Looking back, I've done some awful things in the name of fun. Maybe one day I'll write about them, but let's just leave it at this: I stole things, told lies, made fun of people, pranked people, and I developed a complete disregard for all things holy and right. I was full of hate.
To this day, I still battle those messed up thoughts - I'd be lying if I said they didn't creep in from time to time. But I no longer have to cave. (I have a sneaky suspicion being sober has something to do with my newfound sense of better judgment.) It took some time and some practice, but I can honestly say that I find greater joy in doing the right thing.
This may not make sense to you, but I'll say it anyway...I've found that doing the right thing still plays into my sick, twisted sense of humor. When I choose total honesty, I feel as though I'm spitting in the face of evil, and I love that. When I resist temptation (drinking, drugs, porn, laziness, etc.), I take pride knowing that the enemy is really, really mad. Instead of watching messed up YouTube videos, I now have the twisted privilege of watching Satan fall down the stairs as he tries to scurry out of my apartment. Because when I pray, things happen. The weight of all that evil gets lifted, and I know that my tempter runs away from the presence of my Lord. And I like that.
I'm still full of hate, but it's a different kind of hate.
I HATE seeing people destroy their lives, because it reminds me of the grip addiction once had on my own life.
I HATE the fact that some people don't ever get another chance at life.
I HATE that our culture is so messed up that kids are growing up thinking it's ok to have affairs.
I HATE that the word "brunch" doesn't even connote food anymore - it just connotes mimosas and erasing your Sunday hangover.
I was so freaking lost, I thought I was free. Alcohol was my master - we just hung out so often, I thought we were best friends.