March 13 - Peaks + Valleys
Gotta have the lows to get to the highs.
At the risk of sounding completely crazy, sometimes I like being down. And no, I don't mean I enjoy fear & self-loathing. I just mean sadness is a natural part of life on earth, and I appreciate it for what it's worth. If life consisted of nothing but unicorns and perfection, it wouldn't seem like unicorns and perfection at all. It would just be...normal. And I do not like normal - it's boring, it's regular, and it's weird.
Music has played a HUGE role in my life. In fact, just about every memory of my adult life is attached to a particular song. Playlists are my thing. I could go on and on about how music has saved my life, but here's the point: every great album has highs and lows. The slow, depressing piano ballad just has to be there. Add me on Spotify!
Some people say "feelings aren't facts." Those people are sociopaths. Feelings are awesome. During my partying career, I didn't have any true feelings. I didn't regret things, and I most certainly didn't care about the way YOU felt. I just wanted to get messed up, black out, and do it again tomorrow.
Now, I feel immediate remorse for when I screw up, and I do my best to make things right. I feel shame and regret when I intentionally choose to disobey God. I get lonely, and I get scared. I care WAY too much about what other people think. I've lost loved ones in sobriety, and I've cried my face off. Remembering my past and sharing it with the world has brought up emotions that I fought my entire life to bury. I feel joy, peace, and sometimes pure elation. Sobriety has been an emotional roller coaster full of unpredictable highs and lows, and it's the ride I hope never ends. After all, I paid a really steep price to get into this amusement park.
Today, I will allow myself to feel. I will appreciate the rain just as much as the sun. I will remember that my brokenness leads to joy. I'll listen to slow jams and cry if I want to. When I see stairs, I will climb them and think about all I've overcome. When I feel peace, I will take joy. When I feel unrest, I will pray for peace. And when I pray, I will feel the Spirit moving within me, around me, and through me.
Feelings may come and go, but that doesn't make them any less real.