I've been reluctant to write lately, because there isn't a beautiful way to express the things going on in my heart. The 3 month journey I just went on was so full of highs and lows, clarity and uncertainty, faith and fear - it's hard to summarize any of it. Maybe I don't have to. Maybe I can just say what's on my heart, keep painting the picture of my life, and eventually it'll look like art. So...I'll just share the main thing I'm feeling today: LOST.
I just spent 3 straight months living out of my truck, and traveling to places I've never been before. Places where I don't know a soul. 28 different states, to be exact. Wilderness camping in Colorado, Utah, and Oregon was such a thrill. I'd go hiking for miles and miles with my dog, catch epic sunsets, and then realize it's dark and have to find the way back to the tent. Though I was lost on several occasions, I never felt lost.
Now that I'm back home in Charlotte, it's confusing. It's confusing because I used to be content here, and now I'm not. It feels like I changed, and Charlotte stayed the same. The bars are still full of people wasting their lives, the traffic still sucks, and everything keeps going - just like it did before.
There are plenty of good things, too. The actual city of Charlotte is awesome. The skyline is still one of the best in the nation, everything is clean, my friends are still my best friends, the sunsets are still epic, the food is great, and it still feels like home. Sorta.
There's a great big world out there, and I experienced it. That's all I'm saying. It's hard to want to stay in one place, knowing such awesome things exist. Sitting still just seems wasteful now. I liked waking up in that yellow tent in Oregon. I liked having to get naked and bathe in a freezing cold lake. I liked being a stranger in coffee shops - feeling free to be myself. I liked being scared and nervous before (and during) every speaking engagement. I liked worshipping in church, and praising God with no regard for what people think about me. Sure, I missed my friends. But I also liked making new ones.
I haven't forgotten how lonely I felt at times. I haven't forgotten about my tire popping in Phoenix and not having a friend to call. I haven't forgotten running out of money and feeling like a failure. I haven't forgotten those suicidal thoughts in Fort Bragg, California. Coming home and sitting still is a million times easier. I'm so grateful for friends and a place to sleep at night. I just don't know if comfortable is what God wants me to be.
That being said, I do know that it feels good to be writing again. I'm working on a book. It's such a blessing to have experienced such beautiful things, and to now have a new perspective. It's a gift to see ways I can use my life to make a difference. When I asked God to open my eyes, I wasn't prepared to see the scary stuff. When I asked Him for wisdom, I wasn't aware it would show me how little I actually know. When I asked Him to take me places, I didn't realize it'd make home seem different. He answered my prayers, and now I'm humbled.
I was so excited to come back from this journey and tell you everything I learned about life. The truth is...all I learned is that He is God, and I am not.
A few things:
1) I'm writing a book about life. Sobriety. Depression. This journey. God stuff. Being 30. Following your heart. That kind of book. Mostly to remind myself why I exist, but also to help a ton of others who struggle with being human. Your support would be greatly appreciated.
2) I'm gonna hit the road again in a couple of months. Your support would be greatly appreciated.
3) God has called me to start a 24/7 house of prayer and worship in Charlotte. That means going to seminary school, even though it's scary and I don't have the means to pay for it. Your support would be greatly appreciated.
4) It's time to grow. Like...I mean...GROW. If you'd like to be part of CLTIVATE and help me do all this crazy stuff, please reach out.
5) Life is incredibly challenging - I know that. Just keep going. It's gonna make sense one day. We're working toward eternity. Only the strong can do eternity. Find your strength in the Lord, and do what He says.
"Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it." James 4:17